INITIALDIAGNOSIS

 

 

RENFIELD. Ooh! I say! Your heart is bumping along nineteen to the dozen.

 

LUCY. I do feel a bit faint.

 

Piano introduction to the song beginsÖ

 

RENFIELD (spoken, but in time with the music) .

Itís lucky you came here, my dear.

Itís the first case like this

In my medical career.

But where, might I ask, does one start

(breaking into song)

In this rare circumstance

When a girlísÖ (tails off, unable to think of the word)

When a girlísÖ

 

NARRATOR (to audience).

Lost control of her heart.

 

RENFIELD (spoken).

Tell me more of your symptoms.

(speaking over the music)

Now, do you hurt when you laugh?

(she shakes her head to each suggestion)

Or throb in the bath?

Get chills in the nights?

See pink flashing lights?

When Autumn arrives

Do you come out in hives?

Or shrink when itís wet;

Give fleas to your pet?

(she denies each one in turn)

Or are you a lass

That suffers with gas?

(she looks a bit noncommittal at this one)

So nothing unusual there.

 

LUCY.

Doctor, I need a swift cure

Only you can effect,

And of that I am sure.

 

NARRATOR (to audience).

If only heíd look then heíd see!

That maybe he needs treatment tooÖ

 

LUCY (cutting in, also to audience).

Öand that treatment is me!

 

RENFIELD.

(spoken)

A physical examination, then.

 

LUCY (still to audience). I thought heíd never ask.

 

RENFIELD.

Nothing wrong with your toes

As toes-wrongness goes.

And both of your feet

Look perfectly sweet.

Your shins and your knees

Are sturdy as trees

Itís no big surprise

Youíve good healthy thighs.

And if I touch here -

You look faint, my dear

Perhaps you should take a seat?

 

LUCY (spoken). I donít think I could swallow that, even with a glass of water.

 

RENFIELD.

Your stomach?

 

LUCY.

††††††††††††††††††††††† It shakes

 

RENFIELD.

Your sternum?

 

LUCY.

††††††††††††††††††††††† It aches!

Youíre getting quite near.

 

RENFIELD.

Yes, the cause could be here.

Your arms and your faceÖ

 

LUCY.

Just want to embrace!

 

RENFIELD.

Yes, so it would seem.

 

LUCY.

I feel in a dream.

And if we could kiss.

 

††††††††† He dodges out of her arms and goes for the medical dictionary.

 

RENFIELD.

Iíve never seen this!

I think I must look it up!

 

LUCY.

Doctor, no need for a book.

Canít you tell from my one simple desperate look?

 

RENFIELD (flicking pages; spoken over the musical line).

ďKISSING, see DERANGED, above,Ē

 

LUCY.

I donít think itís madness,

Unless itís from falling in love.

 

RENFIELD (spoken). Love? (flicks pages) Itís not listed here.

 

LUCY.

For youíve captured my heart

Iím getting the sense

That weíre at the start

Of something immense.

(now frustrated)

Youíd have to be dense

To not have a clue

Canít you feel it too?

RENFIELD (interpolating).

What could be the diagnosis?

Jaundice, croup or deep thrombosis

When I get the right prognosis:

No more thrills, just pills in doses.

 

 

 

I have it!

 

(pause)

 

RENFIELD.

The trouble with you

I now can impart:

I think that itís heart Ė

BURN!

 

LUCY (spoken; crestfallen).

Oh! Canít I get a second opinion?

 

RENFIELD.

(spoken) Yes, blue doesnít suit you.

(sung) Thatís fifty guineas, please.

Next!