Here is a fact you canít ignore:

Iím a policeman - Iím the law

And my arm is very long.

To all the thieves I give the chase

So the worldís a better place,

And I never get it wrong!


I will go to Hell and back

Just to bring a felon back.


(Do you see?)


So when a thug is on a spree

He wonít get the best of me

Nor the tea leaf nor the con.

Crooks are the ones that I abhor

I break those who break the law

And I never get it wrong!


Crooks have got a lot to lose

Cos I can spot those tiny clues.

My sense of justice is so strong

Cos Iíve never been wrong.


(Interesting, isnít it?)


You claim a vampire is running amok in this town!

Balderdash, lady! - Iíll soon track the criminal down

ĎS not supernatíral; so let us think latíral, a

Muggerís at work: that seems plain

Iíll exorcise demons by exercising my great brain.


(Hereís warning to criminal. Itíll learn you how right I am)


Iíll make the villain comprehend

Heís the one Iíll apprehend

And Iíll make him mend his ways.

So if you think of doing crime

Around here, remember Iím

Around here - it never pays.


Crimes that men and womeníll

Commit just make a criminal!

Iíll see their sentences are long

Cos Iíve never been wrong


(Well, itís justice, innit?†† Now what was your idea again, Miss?)


Ghosties and ghoulies are haunting us here doing crime!

Thatís the worst theory Iíve heard in a very long time.

Itís kleptomania, not Translyvania.

Heís flesh and blood, you will find.

The clues Iíll commit to my great analytical mind.


(I like songs about policemen - they always stay on the beat!And now for a little constabulary dance)


(Dance part)


So if you steal a load of loot

You will wear an arrowed suit

Thatís the thing the felons dread.

Thing is that crooks are hard to see

Cos they look like you and me

Not the ranks of the undead!


Crooks think I canít out-think them

But clues that I find out link them

To all the crimes that they commit

They wont benefit!

No! Not one tiny bit -

Let me tell you

That is the point of this whole song

Cos Iíve never been -

Frankly, Iíve never been wrong!



(Move along, ladies and gentlemen, nothing to see here)